Tonight's contest is for truth

Showdown time. In the red corner, my shit landlord. In the blue corner, me and my letter of notice. Ding ding!

Round one: The tenant leads strongly, a couple of quick jabs as soon as the bell rings. "Hi Ben. Come in. Let me show you the damp." What's this? A defence? A carrier bag in the landlord's hand? The fighters circle one another. Another jab or three from the challenger. "It's there, around the window," POW! "and there, in that corner," POW! POW! "and it's even by the ceiling too, there." POW! POW! POW! But a late flurry from the landlord, "I've got the leak fixed now." THUNNK! And then the carrier bag opens, a wet rag comes out, and the damp gets a wipe. A wipe? DOOOSH! The challenger didn't see that coming. Will he recover?

Round two. A real pasting for the landlord here. DUNNNK! "You've got to admit that the damp is pretty bad here," DOOOOF! "especially up that wall," KER-POW! "I've even had to move my drawers because the clothes inside were getting damp," KER-ACKK! "and the bookshelf too." BISH! BASH! BOSH! "You can see it coming through the ceiling too." The referee might have to stop this, for the landlord's safety. Saved by the bell, we headed downstairs to Ryan's room.

Round three. More even to start with. Ryan's damp isn't that bad, and the landlord knows it. But I'm on the up now, and my suckerpunch is in its envelope, ready to strike. I hear a voice in my head say, "FINISH HIM!" I look at him. "There's more. The shower's still dodgy. The living room is freezing cold. And for all of these reasons, I'd like to give you," - I pass him the envelope - "my letter of notice." BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!! He staggered, toppled almost, not quite falling down, but groggy. One last effort?

"If I said I'd sort out the problems, would you stay?"

I wound up my haymaker.

"Even if you said you'd sort out the problems, I don't think you actually would."

POW! Right in the kisser! Knockout!