Someone has jammed up the shredder.
And the clucking hens start. Discovered by Mother Hen, who calls over to Forties Twenties, “Look, look what’s happened.” Cluck!
“Ooooh,” says 40s 20s, “that’s not good,” and asks Volume Eleven to join her. They gather around the shredder, and “Tut-tut!” loudly to themselves, to each other.
Cluck! Some background – Mother Hen is officially a PA to someone important, but unofficially she’s taken it upon herself to be the biggest busybody in the office. When we got new carpets laid, she was the one responsible for liasing with the workmen. I don’t know who puts her in charge of such things, and can only assume that she seizes every chance that comes up because she doesn’t have much else to do all day. Close behind her in busybody stakes is Forties Twenties, who spends her time acting as if she’s fifteen years older than her age, which is actually twenty-nine. She’s personally responsible for the ludicrous labelling system in our fridges, and for some snotty emails. Like this one:
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Dear Team
The time has come around again to remind you of your responsibilities to both yourself and other staff members regarding the kitchen.
The kitchen is disgusting and it is a miracle that no one has become seriously ill given the bacteria that thrives in there. It is EVERYONE'S responsibility to keep it clean. ____ takes home the tea towels every week and boils them within an inch of their lives. She does not have to do this- this is extremely generous, She also took the time out to clean the mouldy fungus ridden drainer on the sink- again it is not her responsibility.
May I also inform you that there is no 'kitty' for cleaning products so please do not wait for someone else to replace washing up liquid when it has run out - consider replacing it yourself. I'm sure we can each afford £1 every few months. If this is not the case please inform me and I will set up an account where by you can pay into it 15p a week to spread the cost. It is invariably __ who replaces all the cleaning products - it is also __ and __ who usually restocks the biscuit tin. They do this out of kindness. Have a think about the last time you brought in washing up liquid/biscuits or washed a dish that wasn't yours?
If conditions do not improve a new system will be put in place whereby you will each allocated your own plates and cutlery which will be clearly marked with your name. This will identify those leaving dirty dishes, which will then be removed and placed back on that persons desk.
Thank you
The Kitchen Witch
PS _______ has replaced the washing up liquid so those who have left dishes on the side can now go and clean them
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She’s the reason that I don’t use the fridge at work. Cluck!
A clandestine whisper: “Has anybody asked you anything,” hisses Mother Hen, “about shredder?” My neighbour shakes his head. “Well, it’s jammed, and I want to find out who did it, so I can charge it to them.”
All at once I feel like owning up to jamming it, confessing not only that I stopped it shredding, but also that I’d planned to do exactly that. I want to bathe in the guilt of sabotage, to be the pantomime villain that the earnest knights in shining armour need to justify their existence. I want to be bad!
Mother Hen comes over and tells my neighbour to check the catalogue for shredder prices because they’ve found out who did it. Someone beat me to owning up, it seems. And like a fart in the wind, the drama is over as soon as it’s begun.
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